The Redheaded Hostess has a post called “Teaching Chastity and Virtue Part 1: How to Approach the Subject”,
which got me thinking about the bits and pieces of principles I learned as a
teen that increased both my desire and my ability to remain chaste. I also started thinking about the
different factors that intersected—people and circumstances—that helped me stay
safe.
Understanding the
plan of salvation. This was
HUGE. It is hard for me to point
to all the ways that it influenced my thought process and my decision-making as
a teen because it ran subtly through everything in one way or another. It was a very important foundation to
have during all the excitement of crushes and relationships and flirting..
When we’re young we are anxious to form relationships to
know that we are desirable and can become close with someone. We want to learn what our power of
attraction is. Having the goal of
the celestial kingdom helped me keep my vision from being too trapped in the
moment. Rather than getting too
serious about early relationships, I subconsciously evaluated them according to
whether they would lead to the temple. Dating a nonmember wasn’t going to lead there unless
the guy converted, so when he chose not to listen further to doctrines of the
Restoration, I knew the relationship should not go very far and I learned to
hold back and keep it lighter. Knowing the plan of salvation led me to
become willing to make sacrifices in order to reach higher. Ultimately, I was able to leave two
relationships because I had the courage to act on the conviction that those
guys weren’t good for me.
Saving the dates for
after age 16. Looking back, I
can see this was very helpful. It
didn’t stop me from having crushes. (Heck, I had crushes from when I was 5
years old!) But I think if it weren’t for these standards, I would have felt
like I had to get in a relationship
and that I had to do anything to keep
it.
Long distance
relationships. When the boyfriend
lived over 50 miles away, there were fewer opportunities to get into
trouble. Of course, the times when
he visited had its own brand of peril because giddiness about seeing him
conflicted with the principle of caution.
(It is giddiness when you start to think that rules don't matter and aren't needed because surely nothing bad is going to happen..) This is where the structure of the dates became very important
Structuring the dates
right. Again, I was giddy when
I got to be with my date/boyfriend.
My mom insisted on structuring our dates such that they occurred with
friends and at least one adult. If
friends weren’t available, then meeting in public among crowds of people was
advised. (Yes, chaperones are a
true principle.) I learned other
wise principles for good date structure—doing things rather than just sitting,
talking instead of touching, avoiding late dates. In college I learned to self-advocate to build some of these
structures into my dates.
Good friends. My friends had good dating
standards. We supported each other
in them.
Paul’s Passion
Profile. One particular EFY
class on dating and chastity stayed with me. The teacher drew this diagram—named alliteratively after
himself—on the board for us that looked like a rounded hill. He put hash marks on the upward slope
and labeled them “arm around, holding hands, hugging, kissing” and then the
opposite downward slope he labeled “French kissing, touching private parts, sex.” He told us that when you’re doing the
stuff on upward slope it isn’t too hard to stop, but if you reach a point where
you are doing stuff on the downward slope, your hormones get all revved up and
it gets very hard to stop. He
counseled us to stay away from the stuff on the downward slope.
It was not the only thing he said, but this particular thing
helped me because it made me aware that physical touch (often called “public
display of affection, or PDA) in a relationship has a pull with momentum toward
sexual intimacy. It taught
me that certain kinds of touching have more momentum than other kinds, and if I
wanted to stay chaste, then it would be very wise for me to stay away from the
dangerous kinds.
I still marvel at the incredible practically of this bit of
wisdom. I’m so grateful I didn’t
have to learn this by sad experience.
Avoiding the “special”
trap. I remember hearing that
there is a tendency to add some additional
PDA in order to prove to the partner the relationship was special. I remember thinking to myself, “If
someone believes they have to add more PDA to the current relationship to prove it is more special than the last relationship, then it won’t take too many relationships before they have
broken the law of chastity.” I
decided I had to be careful, no matter how many relationships I might find
myself in. A relationship isn't special until it becomes marriage.
Avoiding even small
regrets. I’m not sure where I
learned this, but I remember hearing that people who gave out their PDA too
freely eventually regretted what they had done in their previous relationships
when they moved on to a new one. I
found this to be true for me too, even when I carefully limited the types of PDA I gave
and how much. Eventually, while in
college, I decided I had had enough of that regret, and I decided I wasn’t
going to do PDA at all. And a very interesting thing
happened. I found the scripture
“bridle all your passions that you may be filled with love” was absolutely
true. When I restrained myself, I
felt much more affection. I made
much better friendships with guys and I remember those relationships with far greater fondness than the others. I found that by avoiding PDA I
developed new skills of expressing attachment without touching.
Avoiding PDA is not a popular choice today. In fact, our culture emphasizes and
glorifies the giving and receiving of PDA. If I could give any bit of advice to teens, I would say,
learn how to show affection without touching. Then, by the time you marry, you will have accumulated many ways to say, "I love you" and keep the relationship strong.
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