Monday, June 20, 2011

In which bad cooking teaches me the consequences of disobedience

If I were to craft an analogy of myself as a cook, I would have to say that I am a stunt devil who persistently sky-dives with a faulty parachute. This is why my husband is the main cook in the family. His products can be relied upon to sustain life. Mine can’t.

One of my endeavors was something called “Orange Spiced Sweet Potatos”. I am always looking for interesting things to do with vegetables, and I’m also looking for ways to incorporate unfamiliar vegetables into my diet, so this sounded to me like a winner. It sounded exotic. And it was a crock-pot recipe, so I could precook it! SCORE!

The fact that it called for orange juice when there was no orange juice left in the house didn’t faze me; I simply used a juice blend (apple, peach, raspberry, and blueberry). The fact that it called for pecans when the grocery store didn’t carry pecans didn’t faze me either. Walnuts would do just as well. (You’d think that I would go and do the things which the recipe had commanded, but noooooo…) And I was not going to put in the entire ½ cup of butter that it called for. My husband and I are trying to preserve our figures. I put in half of that.

Too bad I started it at 7pm at night and my slow cooker didn’t have any faster settings than four hours. I decided to cook it for ten hours instead and get up at 4am to turn it off. (You’d think I’d see what this was setting me up for, but did I? Nooooo..)

During the cooking process, my husband observed that it smelled like an aromatic candle. It was a pleasant scent, to be sure.

When I finally tasted my Nominally-Orange-But-Really-Apple-Peach-Raspberry-Blueberry-Spiced-Sweet-Potatoes (hereafter referred to as Juice Blend Sweet Potatoes), my first impression was that I had RUINED it, but as I put down the spoon, my mouth decided ALL BY ITSELF that it wanted some more. So I ate another spoonful. And again, didn’t really like it, but my mouth was still intrigued and wanted more. (Has that ever happened to you when some part of your body decides it has its own opinion about something in complete contradiction to your own conscious assessment? I don't get it.)

When my husband tried some, his description of the flavor of Juice Blend Sweet Potatoes was that it was “violent”. My husband is not a food critic. (Well, he is sort of, but he’s not the kind who gets paid to tell restaurants they stink.) He’s also not the most talkative and wordy fellow. BUT, on this occasion his word “violent” was fitting, fitting in every way. If you could taste domestic violence, that’s what my Juice Blend Sweet Potatoes was like. Somehow the piquancy evoked flying projectiles, bruises, verbal abuse, and calls to the police. All of that happening IN YOUR MOUTH. The flavors REALLY fought with each other.

Now, despite his scruples, my husband mastered himself enough to try a serving. (This shows you just HOW MUCH he loves me. He will attempt to eat my cooking. When I cook.) We didn’t know if we could take Juice Blend Sweet Potatos undiluted, so we decided to buffer it with sizable chunks of pumpkin bread.

The mixed-buffered effect was better, but still questionable. And after one bowl, I couldn’t STAND the idea of eating any more EVER AGAIN. Never mind that we could try it as the recipe was actually written. We didn’t want to risk it. After some dithering and indecision, I asked my husband to perform an act of mercy for me and dispose of my Juice Blend Sweet Potatoes while I went someplace where I couldn’t see what happened to it or hear it scream.

This incident, happened at least a year ago and today I have shared it with you for an INSTRUCTIVE PURPOSE. (No, it is not to say, “It is risky to come have dinner at our house.”)

Notice, when I try a recipe and I don’t follow the directions, and then it turns out badly, I tend to say, “Ohhh, that was so awful! I don’t think I want to try that recipe again!” I am afraid to actually follow it completely for fear that it still won’t work out. Now, get this. I discovered this messed up attitude of mine was skewered in the scriptures. This is part of the consequences of disobedience that the Lord describes in the Doctrine and Covenants:
Who am I, saith the Lord, that have promised and have not fulfilled? I command and men obey not; I revoke and they receive not the blessing. Then they say in their hearts: This is not the work of the Lord, for his promises are not fulfilled (D&C 58:31–33).
Ohhhh, the shame. (hides eyes)

So, all you bad cooks out there, we must REPENT and follow the recipe!

Oh, and by the way, repent of all that sin stuff too.

2 comments:

RGG said...

You so funny,been there, got a tee shirt, but I never "likened" it to scripture.
My husband bought a stove for me (and him) this past christmas. We have been stoveless for at least 2-3 years. An ongoing house renovovation that has its ups and downs. So during the interim with no stove, my cooking skills regressed to the point of mass microwaving everything, including pizza. I graduated to a crock pot and you reminded me of how creative crock pot cooking can be. Now when my husband see's me pulling out the crock pot, he gets hystrical, so I have to cook in secret aka when he's not at home.
I have a favorite Food Network cook/chef/host Sandra Lee of the Semi Homemade fame:
"Sandra has revolutionized the way people think about traditional, time-consuming, “from-scratch” methods. Her trademark 70/30 philosophy combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh ingredients. Everyone can create delicious dishes and meals in an inspiring, warm home environment, all of which can be affordable and attainable with Sandra's shortcuts."LOL:)
I have tried a few with good results,sort of like just add water and stir type of receipes, but fun and good at the same time.
Just saying

Michaela Stephens said...

Yes! I'll bet you know about 15 ways to make a quesadilla in the microwave!

I'll have to check out Sandra Lee. I love the idea of 70% readymade ingredients and 30% fresh.