Some thoughts on the family being ordained of God

This month’s visiting teaching message had the theme of “The family is ordained of God.”  It seems like such an obvious principle, one that everyone should be able to accept.  And yet, I’ve realized that there are people who have serious problems with the idea of family. 

I took a few writing classes some years ago at ASU.  Through a series of events I happened to read the personal blog of one of my teachers and found that in a post she mentioned her personal decision she had made that she would never get married and never have children. (She never said this in class though.)  Yet she had a boyfriend, and from things she wrote, it was clear she had been with him for some years. It seemed odd to me, and a bit of a shame that she wouldn’t want to take that relationship to the next level.  But I didn’t get all judgey-pants over that. I took it simply as data.

Fast forward some years past graduation. This teacher sent me an email asking if I would read and review her new book. I ended up deciding I didn’t have time, but as I thought about her, I went to her blog to see what she was posting about her life. I read about her writing process she went through as she was putting together a memoir. She had an image of a spreadsheet she had made to distill and organize the chronology of her life in her memoir.  From looking at that spreadsheet and the kinds of events listed month-by-month, I realized that my former teacher must have had a very difficult childhood, and that the tempestuous family relationships had continued into her adulthood.

That’s when I realized that for this woman, “family” was probably a term loaded with negative associations instead of positive ones. “Family” was something to escape from and put behind her and heal from if possible.  I sensed that for her, her experiences may not have given her confidence that she could be a successful wife or mother if she followed her main example (her mom). For her, she may have felt it was all she could do to stop the cycle of pain by not marrying and not having children. 

Some people are able to make the cycle of abuse and trauma end with them as they start and have their own families.  But other people, for whatever reason, don’t have the confidence for that.

Family is ordained of God as a means of transmitting knowledge and values to the next generation, particularly to introduce children to the gospel and start them on the path leading to exaltation. But no family is perfect, and some are truly dysfunctional. Some parents teach the right things, but their example subverts the message.  Some parents abdicate responsibility.  Some parents teach well, but their children make bad choices that affect the rest of the family.  Some family members may have weaknesses—emotional/mental/physical—that make it difficult to have a stable family.  There are infinite permutations of interpersonal challenges that are possible.

I take a lot of hope from a statement in the Family Proclamation that says, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.”  I take two things from that.  First, it is a nod to the fact that there can be successful families outside the gospel, but following the principles of Christ’s gospel is the best way.  Second, that language of “most likely to be achieved” tells me that following the gospel of Christ greatly increases the statistical probability of having a happy and successful family even with all the challenges faced.

It seems to me that holding up to world the principle that the family is ordained of God is not about waving around a shiny ideal of perfection (which doesn’t exist). It’s about declaring its great potential as a nursery of formative experience and a laboratory for the refinement of character and connection to others.  We want that laboratory to have the best equipment—father, mother, and children.  We want that nursery of formative experience to include faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

It’s about opportunity, potential, and growth!

Pondering the centrality of the family

The D&C Sunday school lesson 45 on the Proclamation on the Family has this statement that marriage and family are “ordained of God” and “central to [His] plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

The manual asks this question – “Why is the family central to God’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children?”  And central is a curious word to use.  Why is the family central and not the Atonement?

I think the statement is not talking about the gospel, or the mechanics of how we are redeemed. It is actually assuming the Atonement is used as it should be.  It talks about what is central to God’s plan for our eternal destiny—what we’ll be and do in the eternities if we follow the plan.  So why is marriage & family central?

There’s a scripture reference to D&C 131:1-4

1 In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;

2 And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];

3 And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.

4 He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.

So marriage is essential to obtain that highest degree, to become like God.  When you think about it, it is amazing that we have the opportunity to enter that divine order here in mortality and begin here to learn the lessons of unity and oneness for eternity.

With such an opportunity available, no wonder it is important to work to preserve marriage as an institution in society. We want it to remain in good repute so that people will still want to marry, in hopes that they will be drawn to make their unions eternal. Marriage is a celestial goal.

And having a family, having children is how the Father’s plan for the progression of His children is continued.  We want children to come to married parents, male and female, so they can learn by example the social skills and expectations necessary for harmonious families and good marriages.  There isn’t much opportunity besides childhood for seeing the raw inside of how marriage and family works.  We want as many children as possible to learn about good marriages from watching them close-up.

Identifying/understanding principles in the Family Proclamation

Here is an assignment I completed back when I was taking my seminary preservice class. The assignment was to identify and understand doctrines and principles in the Family Proclamation. It reinforced in my mind what a tight and bedrock-solid document the Family Proclamation is.
Search for and underline the stated principles and doctrines (remember the definition and they usually answer the question ‘why?’)

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. [Why?] “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3).

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. [Why?] Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. [Why?] Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan [for the eternal destiny of His children].

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. [Why?] Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.

[P]romote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society. [Why?] [T]he disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

Search for and write down any implied principles you find.

If children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity, then illegitimacy and adultery are a violation of child rights.

If the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets, then the converse is also true--the protection and maintenance of the family will bring the blessings similarly foretold. (Those might be worth researching in and of themselves!)

Write two principles in an IF and THEN format.

IF I build my family upon the teachings of Christ, THEN my family life has a much higher chance of being happy than otherwise.

IF parents rear their children in love and righteousness, THEN they will be rewarded.

IF parents establish their marriages with sacred covenants in the temple, THEN their family relationships will be perpetuated beyond the grave.

Write two principles using, “I have learned that _________, therefore I will _________.”

I have learned that spouses are equal partners; therefore I will work to cooperate with my spouse.

I have learned that both work and wholesome recreational activities help establish and maintain my family; therefore I will try to make sure both are incorporated in my family life.

I have learned that my female gender is an essential and eternal characteristic, therefore I will embrace it and appreciate it as an eternal part of my identity.

Write an additional phrase like, “And thus we see…” or “Behold, whosoever will…” or “Therefore…” or “Notwithstanding…” to state discovered principles.

Notwithstanding disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate adaption, mothers and fathers have their own important roles in the family.

Answer the question with a simple phrase, “Why did the Lord want this proclamation created and distributed?”

To warn the world and to remind the world what it is starting to forget.

Wholesome Recreation in Family

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (Family Proclamation)

I believe that wholesome recreation is one of the ways we can refresh our strength in our families.

The scriptures describe some incidents that, while they don’t specifically include those words “wholesome recreational activities,” could possibly include good family fun.

And after we had traveled for the space of many days, we did pitch our tents for the space of a time, that we might again rest ourselves and obtain food for our families. (1 Nephi 16:17, emphasis added)

For Lehi and his family, traveling must have involved a lot of labor, so staying in one place was rest. Today it is the opposite. Travel involves a lot of sitting, so a good way to rest from that is to do something active.

When my family went on long road trips, frequently we children got antsy and rambunctious in the car, so she adopted the practice of stopping every so often at playgrounds along the way so that we could release that pent up energy. Even today, we still like playgrounds.




The Book of Mormon also has at least one cautionary incident of which I am aware of about UNwholesome recreational activities.

And after we had been driven forth before the wind for the space of many days, behold, my brethren and the sons of Ishmael and also their wives began to make themselves merry, insomuch that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness, yea, even that they did forget by what power they had been brought thither; yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness. (1 Nephi 18:9)

The dancing and singing was wholesome, but when they added rudeness and witty put-downs to the mix, they got themselves in trouble to the point that they began to be “lifted up” in pride, and forgot God’s power.

Here are some principles that I feel are part of WHOLESOME recreation (aka, principles of good fun):

• Edifying
• Build teamwork & trust
• Build talents
• Stretch the imagination and creative faculties
• Involve conversation and doing things together
• Are not at the expense of the ego of any family member
• Can be rest for the weary (sedentary) or an outlet for pent up energy (active), but ultimately they are refreshing.
• Can be spontaneous or planned

My memories of great family activities:

• Spontaneous late-January trip to Disney world
• Vacations that always had something crazy happen (causing me to start keeping a vacation log)
• FHEs playing Dark Tag out in the yard
• FHEs sorting photos and putting them all in photo albums
• Family reunions at a YMCA camp for a weekend
• Family work projects, like cleaning all the junk out of the hardware store Dad was going to turn into an orthodontic office
• Tickle fights with dad
• Decorating the Christmas ginger bread house
• When dinner was crackers and about 6 different types of cheese
• Playing Sardines
• Riding go-carts
• Spontaneous family sing-alongs
• Family leaf-raking party after which everyone played in the big leaf pile
• Going on flashlight walks on Sunday night
• Playing tag on the kids castle playground
• Playing in the mud puddles during a hard rain

The above pictures were taken a family reunion that met at a park.

Can you think of any other principles of wholesome recreation? What are some of your best memories of refreshing family fun?

Happiness in Family

“Happiness is family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Family Proclamation)

This tells us that we need to look very carefully at the four Gospels and at Christ’s teachings in 3 Nephi for ways that we can incorporate more of them into our family life.

When we are told that happiness in family is most likely to be achieved when founded on Christ’s teachings, that tells us a little something about our statistical chances of success, although the language is numerically vague. It tells us we have a better chance of having a happy family going that way than by any other way.

That language of “most likely to be achieved” also acknowledges that even good families are not happy all the time. There’s a lot of chaos in family life and the greater the number of family members, the greater the chances for conflict. But the more family members are aligned with the teachings of Christ, moments of pleasure, peace, satisfaction, and contentment are more likely to occur. (The trick is to get everybody aligned..)

10 Do not suppose, because it has been spoken concerning restoration, that ye shall be restored from sin to happiness. Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness.
11 And now, my son, all men that are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state, are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity; they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness. (Alma 41:10-11)

This shows us that until we are truly converted to the Lord, we will be “in the gall of bitterness” and “in a state contrary to the nature of happiness.” But once we are...

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it. (Mosiah 2:41, emphasis added)

There are some things in the scriptures that teach things to increase or decrease happiness.

And, finding there was greater happiness and peace and rest for me, I sought for the blessings of the fathers, and the right whereunto I should be ordained to administer the same; having been myself a follower of righteousness, desiring also to be one who possessed great knowledge, and to be a greater follower of righteousness, and to possess a greater knowledge, and to be a father of many nations, a prince of peace, and desiring to receive instructions, and to keep the commandments of God, I became a rightful heir, a High Priest, holding the right belonging to the fathers. (Abraham 1:2, emphasis added)

Abraham sought the priesthood because he found out that there was greater happiness to be found in it. This shows us that attaining the priesthood brings happiness. And since the priesthood is meant to bless all the families of the earth, it is instrumental in increasing the happiness of every family member.

Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed, which punishment that is affixed is in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the ends of the atonement (2 Nephi 2:10, emphasis added)

If happiness is affixed in opposition to punishment, this suggests to me that one way we can bring greater happiness in our families is by giving rewards for good as well as punishments for bad. When children receive rewards for good works from their parents, they can better understand rewards given by God.

Do ye suppose that ye shall dwell with him under a consciousness of your guilt? Do ye suppose that ye could be happy to dwell with that holy Being, when your souls are racked with a consciousness of guilt that ye have ever abused his laws? (Mormon 9:3)

This verse suggests to us an earthly counterpart. If we would be unhappy to dwell with God knowing we have broken His laws, family members will find themselves unhappy at home when they break family rules. We are happier at home when we know that we are keeping the family rules. Guilt gets in the way of happiness.

Happy are thy men, happy are these thy servants, which stand continually before thee, and that hear thy wisdom. (1 Kings 10:8)

In the above verse, the Queen of Sheba is speaking to King Solomon after having observed his wisdom and how he runs his kingdom. If we can share wisdom with our children, they will be happy. (They may not know it unless an outsider points out to them how blessed they are, but they will be happy.)

3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed (Psalms 127:3-5, emphasis added)

Do you mothers and fathers know how happy you are?

For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. (Psalm 128:2)

This shows us that part of happiness is enjoying the results of our labors. We can help our children to be happy in work by paying them something for it.

Next we have some scriptures that describe happiness that comes from more difficult circumstances.

Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy. (James 5:11)

Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty. (Job 5:17)

But and if ye suffer for righteousness’ sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled; (1 Peter 3:14)

Finally, in our efforts to bring happiness to our families, we should not be surprised to find our families acting in counter-productive ways. The Book of Mormon notes this phenomenon:

Yea, and we may see at the very time when he doth prosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of precious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do harden their hearts, and do forget the Lord their God, and do trample under their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity. (Helaman 12:2, emphasis added)

This should warn us that we may see this cycle in our families too.

Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen. (D&C 87:8)

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God (D&C 109:8)

I know that it is true that happiness in the family is most likely to achieved by following the teachings of Christ.

Respect in Families

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (Family Proclamation, emphasis added)

What exactly do we mean by R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

“esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment…
deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly…
the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
to hold in esteem or honor: I cannot respect a cheat….
to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights…
to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy. ”
(“Respect,” Dictionary.com)

There are different types of respect that we give or get in this world and they have to do with what we value, what we feel is worth admiring. Respect can be based on:

• personal appearance.
• personality/charisma.
• skill-set.
• experience.
• wealth.
• fame/notoriety.
• family connections/genealogy.
• power/influence.
• divine nature
• obedience to the principles and commandments of the gospel

Now, I want to you look at that list and pick out which of those types of respect you have for the members of your family. Which forms of respect to you have to your spouse? Children? Parents? Extended family?

Next, think about what types of respect in the list above can be called temporal and which can be called eternal.

What types of respect in the list above do you have for the person you admire most in the world?

What types of respect in the list above do you extend to the person living who you like least in the world?

What types of respect do you give yourself?

What types of respect does God extend to us as His children? "And [Jesus] said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God." (Luke 16:15) Before we can correctly incorporate respect in our families, we have to adopt the Lord’s values and respect what He respects. That means thinking carefully about what we respect and why, and doing some repentance if necessary.

I want to say a little something about respect based on divine nature. I think respect for a person’s divine nature will lead us to act according to certain principles that are linked with divine nature. Four things are tied to our divine nature—gender, intelligence, agency, and potential. So if you respect someone’s divine nature, you have to respect their gender, their intelligence, their agency, and their potential.

• We respect gender by reaffirming the eternal roles of men and women, giving opportunities for development of the skillsets related to those roles, and allowing individual gender expression to develop at its own pace. (The world may say this is limiting, but from the eternal perspective, it is empowering.) We respect gender by reaffirming the necessary complementary nature of male and female in procreation and raising a family.
• We respect intelligence by teaching each person, by exhibiting faith in their ability to learn and apply what they’ve learned, and by searching for ways to draw out their innate talents and gifts.
• We respect agency by teaching about choices, allowing choice, and allowing the consequences that come from those choices.
• We respect potential by speaking hopefully of a person’s future in terms of the possibility of blessings for keeping the commandments and by giving them a vision of a bright future in which they have conquered their present difficulties.

When I see respect in the scriptures, it is most often respect for obedience and personal righteousness. I’ll point out some examples.

And now my son, Laman, and also Lemuel and Sam, and also my sons who are the sons of Ishmael, behold, if ye will hearken unto the voice of Nephi ye shall not perish. And if ye will hearken unto him I leave unto you a blessing, yea, even my first blessing. (2 Nephi 1:28)

This is Lehi speaking at the end of his life, exhibiting great respect for his son Nephi. This could only have happened because of Nephi’s personal righteousness.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did consecrate Jacob and Joseph, that they should be priests and teachers over the land of my people. (2 Nephi 5:26)

Nephi respected the righteousness of his two younger brothers.

Behold, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, having been called of God, and ordained after the manner of his holy order, and having been consecrated by my brother Nephi, unto whom ye look as a king or a protector, and on whom ye depend for safety, behold ye know that I have spoken unto you exceedingly many things. (2 Nephi 6:2)

Jacob respected Nephi for his righteousness too.

Next we see some characterization of the 2,000 stripling warriors.

Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. (Alma 56:47)

Their respect for father’s liberty and mother’s teaching was based on their parents’ personal righteousness.

Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them. (Alma 57:21)

The stripling warriors respected Helaman the prophet so much that they tried to do exactly what he said. Because of their careful obedience, it is obvious that he respected them just as much. All of this respect was based on personal righteousness.

Next we have Joseph Smith’s account of after the angel Moroni told him about the plates.

49 The first thing that I can recollect was a voice speaking unto me, calling me by name. I looked up, and beheld the same messenger standing over my head, surrounded by light as before. He then again related unto me all that he had related to me the previous night, and commanded me to go to my father and tell him of the vision and commandments which I had received.
50 I obeyed; I returned to my father in the field, and rehearsed the whole matter to him. He replied to me that it was of God, and told me to go and do as commanded by the messenger. I left the field, and went to the place where the messenger had told me the plates were deposited; and owing to the distinctness of the vision which I had had concerning it, I knew the place the instant that I arrived there. (JSH 1:49-50)

To obey the angel by telling his father, Joseph must have respected his father’s personal righteousness. And his father must have had a certain amount of respect for Joseph too, since he believed him.

Not only must our families be built and maintained on the principle of respect (among other things), it must be the right kind of respect.

Pray IN your families

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (Family Proclamation, emphasis added)

When Christ visited the Nephites, He instructed them to pray always to resist temptation, and He also added instructions for fathers. "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed" (3 Nephi 18:21).

Of course, I think this can apply not only to fathers, but to mothers and children as well. But the thing that I want to point out is that little word “in” and how it helps us. “Pray in your families” is different from “Pray for your families when they’re not around” (although that should be done too) and it is different from “Pray about your families.” What this seems to teach us is that prayers for our family members should not just occur in private, but also out loud while with them.

There is something about hearing someone else pray for you and mentioning your challenges to the Lord that is profoundly moving and comforting. Unless you’ve had this experience, it is hard to explain how deeply it can affect you. I remember a few times when my mother prayed for me out loud when I was particularly troubled and I learned something about her love for me and her faith in Heavenly Father which I believe will stay with me forever. I can’t think about it now without tears. Similarly there is something so precious about hearing my husband pray for me and my specific struggles.

The Book of Mormon records an instance of this to give us an idea. In this instance, Christ himself prays for the people.

15 And when he had said these words, he himself also knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.
16 And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;
17 And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.
18 And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was the joy of the multitude that they were overcome. (3 Nephi 17:15-18)

I used to think that the key to this experience was that it was Christ doing the praying. But now because of my experience of having heard my mother and my husband pray for me, I believe that the key lies in the factors of 1) praying out loud 2) advocating for the hearers. I believe that this experience is accessible to every one of us if we cultivate the habit of praying in our families for each family member and their particular circumstances. As we advocate to the Father for those around us who hear us, we become a type of Christ, who continually advocates to the Father for us.

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This month, I am going to celebrate the family with posts relating the scriptures to family and strengthening the family. Jocelyn Christiansen will be celebrating the family on her blog We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ. There will be posts there each day and many others will add links to their posts celebrating the family.